Making A Bug Trap
"I guess I'm stronger than I was when I was four. " Malachi, age 5
Typically these two pictured spend more time arguing than agreeing, but on this day they worked really well together. That morning was chilly, and we three were the only ones who wanted to be outside, so I felt the odds were pretty good that they'd figure out how to cooperate. Especially if I kept out of their way.
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JJ wanted to move the tire and it's truly not a 1-person job. He wanted to use the hoop to pull it, but without Nate pushing it the tire wouldn't budge. Together they moved it several places around the yard, taking turns pushing and pulling, but when they headed up Wood-chip Mountain their talk became more animated. |
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"I'm making a trap for bugs."
"I'm a big bug." "No, don't get on it. It's just for bugs." "I'm still working on it." "So, what should we..." "Pretend the trap is a spooky place. They could go over and fall in."
"They're heavy so they'll fall here." "And they fly away and hit the fence." "This is a cannonball." "They lose their balance on this and then we chop chop." "Are you a big bug? I'm a big bug."
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In every day there are moments that remind me of my mantra to "talk less, listen more". Often they come after I've made the mistake of speaking. But some days, like this one, I am aware of how important those tricky, often unsettling, trust building moments are for children, and I am able to remain a witness. I stay close and listen carefully, watch their body language for clues of anger or sadness, and let them know "I'm here if you need me."
The Bug Trap gave these two a common foe, and for the duration of the build they were able to share in the decision making, and be respectful of each other's ideas. I'm not saying it miraculously 'disdappeared' all the conflict between them, I'm just saying they figured out how to work together that day. And for two people who rarely agree that's immensely inspiring. Don't get me wrong, I am not attached to these two agreeing, or even getting along. They are both sensitive, strong-willed boys, and their intensity is often perfectly matched. They seem to understand the dynamic between them; seeking each other out when they need to let off some steam, and regarding each other from a distance when that need has been met. I think of that understanding as a blessing.
The Bug Trap gave these two a common foe, and for the duration of the build they were able to share in the decision making, and be respectful of each other's ideas. I'm not saying it miraculously 'disdappeared' all the conflict between them, I'm just saying they figured out how to work together that day. And for two people who rarely agree that's immensely inspiring. Don't get me wrong, I am not attached to these two agreeing, or even getting along. They are both sensitive, strong-willed boys, and their intensity is often perfectly matched. They seem to understand the dynamic between them; seeking each other out when they need to let off some steam, and regarding each other from a distance when that need has been met. I think of that understanding as a blessing.
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It's not easy to respect the ideas of someone else when they differ from your own, but doing so is the start of compassion. In The Seeds of Peace, a merchant has grown wealthy over the years but happiness still eludes him. He asks a hermit, the only happy man he knows, "Can you make me happy?" Of course the answer is no. The happiness he seeks must come from within.
Each of us finds happiness in our own ways. And knowing the keys to our own happiness can help us to recognize and appreciate the choices someone else makes to find happiness. |
Sometimes I think this story is about two vastly different individuals, sometimes I think it's a conversation with an older, wiser self. My favorite moment in the book is when the merchant asks how he can start to be happy. "By letting me go back to my cave where I belong." Letting someone be where they belong, not deciding for them who or how they should be, for me this is how the seeds of peace are planted, how compassionate people emerge.